Reading John Gray Right

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Apr. 05, 2018

Reading John Gray Right

In these changing, liberating, gender-fluid times I often see how Gray's "Mars & Venus" ideas are referred as obsolete. I can not agree. But I can remember myself weeping over the pages keenly describing my toxic behavior. It was very tempting to settle at I-Hate-John-Gray phase. I am happy I did not.

I crawled under the desk in the guest room yesterday to clean the dust and ran into “Mars and Venus on a Date” by John Gray.

Thirty minutes later I found myself still on the floor leafing through the pages and indulging in bitter-sweet memories the book evoked. I bought this relationship classic almost 15 years ago, when the relationship with the man I loved failed and I was devastated.

That’s when upon my friend’s suggestion I had picked “Mars and Venus” in a bookstore and it made me weep. I weeped over how inadequate and worthless I felt, because everything I could possibly do wrong in a relationship I did. Every. Single. Freaking. Thing. I hated John Gray, hated the way life and men turned out to be, but most importantly I hated myself. Yet, the seeds seemed to have fallen on a fertile soil and in the years to come I ended up having absolutely great romantic relationships. Loving and supportive, that I have enough energy and zeal to continue my soul-searching and letting go of the past.

One of such journeys took me to another classic “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood. The book talks about codependency. Codependency is patterns that those of us raised in dysfunctional families develop to cope with stress. Later in life we seek situations where we can repeat these patterns, because it helps us feel alive and hide away from the grief of our early traumas that we never dared to face. For a lot of women these patterns will morph into a constant achievement chase, that will completely block their capacity for receptivity. Once our receptivity turns dormant, our love life takes a blow and we start gravitating towards dysfunctional relationship. When 15 years ago I first read “Mars and Venus” I was a walking proof of exactly that.

I really wish that back then, 15 years ago I had a chance to read Norwood’s book first, before I started “Mars and Venus.” I would have treated myself with more compassion, self-acceptance and understanding. And at the time I was in great need of all of the above.

In these changing, liberating times I often see how Gray’s “Mars & Venus” ideas are referred as obsolete. I can not agree but I can certainly recall myself weeping over the pages of his book. I am sure a lot of women have similar feelings of despair and grunge towards the author, as he keenly describes our destructive behavior and shows us how we are failing ourselves. It is a blow. And it is very tempting to settle at I-Hate-John-Gray phase. I was there too.

I befriend several women who are devoted feminists and – by unfortunate coincidence they come from dysfunctional families too. They often show strong patterns of codependence. Since feminism and codependency are both achievement-oriented it can be extremely difficult to separate one from the other. It is very sad indeed that in many instances feminism has become a tool for maintaining unhealthy patterns of codependency and a mere cover for it.

I took off the floor and put “Mars and Venus” on the shelf in my office. It does not fall under a socially desirable definition of today’s “by women, for women.” it is a book written for us by the man with a caring and gentle heart. If you are in search of guidance in the world of romance, I highly recommend it. But first do read Robin Norwood’s “Women Who Love Too Much.” These two can help you get in touch with and nourish your receptivity. Because if your “….mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style” you will need this trait.